Living in a Cave

Wow!

My last entry was in JUNE!! Time surely does fly. Just because I haven’t been blogging doesn’t mean my spiritual growth has not progressed.

There are many reasons why I haven’t been blogging. One of my main reasons is that this summer, I found myself in the deepest pit of depression I have ever been in. I’m not going to be ashamed of it. In fact, I’m going to own it, which, in Asian culture, is not common.

One thing I do want to say is if that sentence resonated something in you and there’s a possibility you’re depressed, too, it is ALWAYS ok to seek help. I am a licensed therapist and it took a good friend who was in the same pit I was to confront me and tell me, “I think you’re depressed.” It took another friend to tell me her story about depression and realize, “Hey…that’s how I am, too!”

I will not tell you the specifics of my issues. Not because I’m a private person, but because there are some people who use comparative suffering as a scapegoat. What I mean by this is, that if I tell you that the hardship I’m going through is breaking a nail, all of the sudden my story will mean less. What I will tell you is that the issues I am going through are hard for ME. Therefore, they are HARD.

I am going through issues of grief, rejection, transition issues, financial issues, and loneliness to name a few. And each issue has worn me down day by day and minute by minute. There was one day a few weeks ago where I did not do ANYTHING. I got out of bed, but I used television to numb me. I used food to numb me. I used sleep to numb me. And I felt nothing. My lack of understanding scared me and I took out my frustrations on my loved ones. I started treating them with UTTER disrespect. And through God’s grace, they just took it. They kept loving me. I knew, subconsciously, I treated them with disrespect because I knew they weren’t going anywhere. And I’m so BLESSED that I have family that loves me so unconditionally that verbal abuse did not run them away.

I went to church that weekend and God sent a message for me to hear. He sent this message through the messenger Warren Samuels, who I admire greatly.

You can find his message in a video here. His lesson is called The Secrets of the Cave. I highly encourage you to watch it. You will not regret it, of this I am sure. The rest of this entry will be about what I took from this lesson.

Even after hearing this message, it took about a couple of weeks for me to process and to apply it to my life. I couldn’t really apply it because I was in such deep denial about my depression. Now that I fully admit it, here is what God wanted me to know.

There are times when you are living in sunshine, but there are times when you are living in a cave. This is where I currently am right now. God is isolating me for a reason. God brings us in a cave to educate us. It is NOT a tomb. You will not die because you are at this stage in your life. The cave is a prep room.

Here’s the important part: GOD IS DOING SOMETHING TO YOU BEFORE DOING SOMETHING THROUGH YOU.

I am at a point in my life where every breath I breathe is filled with some sort of damp musty darkness. If you haven’t been there, keep living. It took me 26 years to get here and I never thought I’d see the day. This life is full of pain, but we live it with a purpose, because as believers, we are redeemed. God doesn’t necessarily promise that everything bad you’re going through will eventually turn good. What God does promise, though, is that He will work all the bad events in your life together FOR good.

1. When we’re living in a cave, God ALWAYS teaches us things about ourselves.
Most of us don’t want to change ourselves. Sometimes, the only light that God shines in the darkness are those areas in our life that need to be changed.

I made more money while I was in undergraduate and graduate school than I have post graduate school. Yet, I have given more of my money away than I ever have before. This is because God will move the crutches in your life.

If you are in a relationship or have an addiction that is more important to you than JESUS, God will move all those crutches while you’re in your cave. Codependent relationships with a friend or significant other, drugs, alcohol, food, entertainment, and sex are just a few examples of the type of addiction that you can use as a crutch in your life. For me, it was money. The reason God will put you in that cave and take out those crutches is so that He can point out that you never needed that crutch in the first place, because GOD is all you need.

2. When we’re living in a cave, God ALWAYS teaches us secrets about himself!
One of the most beautiful psalms that David wrote was when he was going through the darkest days of his life.

Psalm 142, NASB
Maskil of David, when he was in the cave. A Prayer.

1 I cry aloud with my voice to the LORD;
I make supplication with my voice to the LORD.

2 I pour out my complaint before Him; I declare my trouble before Him.

3 When my spirit was overwhelmed within me,
You knew my path.
In the way where I walk
They have hidden a trap for me.

4 Look to the right and see;
For there is no one who regards me;
There is no escape for me;
No one cares for my soul.

5 I cried out to You, O LORD;
I said, “You are my refuge,
My portion in the land of the living.

6 “Give heed to my cry,
For I am brought very low;
Deliver me from my persecutors,
For they are too strong for me.

7 “Bring my soul out of prison,
So that I may give thanks to Your name;
The righteous will surround me,
For You will deal bountifully with me.”

While I’ve been in my cave, my faith has gotten stronger. When I read this, it floored me how beautiful and amazing God is. I will tell you, if you haven’t been in a cave, this Psalm will mean NOTHING to you. Which brings me to the last point.

3. When we’re living in a cave, God teaches us secrets about OTHERS.
The cave is not ONLY about me or thee. It is about OTHERS. What we are experiencing in our cave now, someone will experience in their cave tomorrow. If it weren’t for my friend talking about the pit she used to be in, I NEVER would have realized the cave I found myself in.

God will never ever ever ever waste suffering!

EVER!

EVER!

Do you get it? NEVER EVER!

How many people have left the faith because God didn’t perform the way they thought God should perform? Little did they know that God wasn’t created for US. We were created for HIM.

God is letting ME live MY life in such a way to glorify HIM! God is using this dark time in my life to help mold me to be the vessel HE wants me to be. There is nothing more exciting than God letting you represent to the world just what kind of God he is.

I’m not sure what’s going to happen the next few weeks, even the next few minutes. It has been absolutely difficult walking this walk. But, a part of accepting Christ into my heart is to live life the way Jesus did and to love the way He loved.

And this perfect being, Jesus, suffered pain, too. Even though he didn’t deserve an ounce of it. He suffered for us daily sinners. So, do I want to be like Jesus? Absolutely. Well there’s suffering and pain that awaits me. But I know that God will take that pain and circumstance and use it to glorify Himself, the way He did with Jesus.

I’m not a poker player, but this is the illustration Warren used. Sometimes, in the game of poker, you get dealt bad cards. There are two things you can do: walk away or play the cards.

Sometimes, in the game of life, you are dealt bad cards. There are two things we can do, we can either walk away or play.

So, when you are dealt bad cards, what are you going to do?

“Every man and woman of God is IMMORTAL until their mission is complete.” -Jim Elliot

Heavenly Father, I know that I am living in a cave for a reason. Every hardship that I have felt the past couple of months will make me a stronger person. I understand this, now. And I will try my best to embrace this whole heartedly. I hope you use me and my story to help others, Lord. Thank you for giving me the blessing to seek the proper help that I need. Thank you for giving me parents who love me unconditionally. Thank you for giving me my sisters who love me unconditionally as well. I can’t get enough of You. This part of my life is such a dark and confusing time, but I know out of this darkness, YOU ARE MY Light. Mold me into the type of woman You want me to be so that I can serve You the way You want me to serve you. I love you.

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